Finding Love with Online Dating: Consciously Getting to Know Yourself

I was talking to my friend today about online dating. She was helping a woman who had just filled out her Match profile for the first time & was feeling rejected even though she didn't like the man she had met for a date. It became apparent that they were not compatible, they wanted different things in relationship; but she still felt rejected. My friend couldn't believe she would feel this way, why couldn't she get over it? But I understood... It's not logical, it's emotional.

I began sharing my experience with online dating the past 14 years. I realized that I have learned some awareness that may be helpful to you if you are new to online dating, that may be able to help you stay centered with it all.

1. Knowing yourself is important. What are you looking for? Filling out a profile is a great way to get to know yourself more. Who are you & what are you looking for? Realize that these answers will evolve as you go. Some women will change themselves based on the men that they meet. Really think about what activities you would like to do, how you would like to spend your time? The cute surfer guy may be sexy, but if you don't surf will you be sitting at home alone while he's riding the waves? Don't expect him to give this up for you, it's usually a huge passion for him. Same goes for sports, harley riding, politics, religion, or a man building his empire. 

2. Who are you attracted to & Why? With online dating you have a variety of men to choose from. I like scanning the pages to see who I am attracted to. What are the qualities of the people I am drawn to? Who attracts me, who doesn't? Why? Again use this as an exploration to get to know yourself better. Who are you fantasizing about? Why? What do you think this man would bring into your life? Fun, stability, great sex? What matters to you?

3. Look them in the eyes!! I like to look them in the eyes. Get a feel energetically for our connection, his values, the type of man I think he may be. Does he resonate with me? Am I excited? Turned off? Judgmental? Do I want to know him more? Does he seem trustable? Would I feel safe with him? Is there chemistry in me about him?

4. Get to know him: Then read his profile. What does this say to you about him? Is he a one liner? Trying to impress you? Trying to be funny? Are you feeling swept away in his perfect date scenario? Does his values resonate with yours or is he just a pretty face or a hot body? Do you care if his values are similar? Are you just wanting a date? Sex? Boyfriend or Husband? Anything is possible, but it is important for you to develop an idea of your needs as you progress.

5. Explore Personal Development. I have met some really wonderful men through online dating who have become long time friends using these principles. People come into our lives for many reasons, so be open to something other than romantic relationships too. It is a way to expose yourself to a variety of people, get to know yourself better & explore personal development. Relationships can help you see areas in yourself that you cannot alone. They mirror the areas we need to develop, where our buttons can get pushed & can bring out immense love for us to feel. Opening your heart to love takes courage, vulnerability, curiosity. It can be extraordinary & heartbreaking. You may feel excited, rejected, jealous, loving & a roller coaster of other emotions. It's a beautiful way to get to know yourself & others.

6. Understand it is a numbers game. There are many sexy, beautiful women online for a variety of reasons. I have heard from men that many of the women will engage with them for weeks writing novels back in forth in the messages, then never be interested in actually meeting. Men often will engage for awhile then disappear. I have been told it's because you dropped to the bottom of their page in messages. Basically new women are coming in to talk to them & unless you have developed a connection (and often even if you have) they become interested in the newest attraction. Women do this too. It can be difficult seeing that you have sent a message, it has been read, and he has been online for hours without responding. You can beat yourself up, wonder what you did wrong, obsess over him for days feeling the sadness that he is not texting or you can accept that you had met someone that you had a connection with & now something has changed. He may come around another time, be busy with work or going out with other women. You also have the opportunity to begin chatting with other men online too. You can close your profile. You can determine what it is that you really want in the world & begin creating/giving it to yourself. Often the loneliness can be filled when you are empowered doing what you love the most, rather than wanting a man to provide it to you. As you learn to love yourself, give to yourself, know your values, go after what you desire in life you become happier, more radiant & attract what's best to you. Enjoy your journey of love. <3